walter mercado

Shakira dumps her loser beau Antonio de la Rua and lands a Colombian college professor.

Psych! Happy April Fool’s Day, mi gente. De La Rua has a powerful macumba on Shak; she isn’t going anywhere. Below are a bunch of faux Latino musician stories—which I wish weren’t.

Uno,

Jesus

Juanes wins again. After sweeping last year’s Latin Grammys (five statuettes), he won his first Grammy for Best Latin Pop Album with La Vida . . . Es Un Ratico last night. He used a bit of superstitious dumb luck (how Latino of him) and decided not to attend. Why? Because every other time he was nominated and attended the ceremony he lost. Below are four other ways the Colombian Bon Jovi-turned-Colombian Bono can get luckier. Like he needs it, I know.

Uno,

Jesús

If Walter Mercado doesn’t play a big part in your New Year’s Eve traditions then you need to check your barrio pass at the door. The Puerto Rican psychic/horoscope queen *ahem* king always delivers predictions for the coming 365 days and special baños for each zodiac sign. I recently had the chance to speak with Wally about some of our favorite chart toppers. He dishes his predictions and some custom baths. He then attempted to cover me with his cape and offer me mucho, mucho amor. Fortunately, I escaped.