Jimmy Fallon: Latino Athlete Replacements

Last night marked the debut of Conan O’Brien’s replacement, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. As someone who’s worked in TV (by the way, I volunteer my production services for the upcoming season of Model Latina), I know never to judge a show based on the first episode but…Fallon’s initial attempt felt more disappointing than Kanye's last album. His “Lick This for $10” bit kind of bombed, the interviews lacked chemistry, and honestly, I just got depressed every time I realized The Roots had become the house band on a late night talk show. 

Fallon deserves more time to fine-tune the new LN, obviously, but let’s just pretend for fun that he needs to be replaced. Why not choose a Latino sports figure? Before you tell me the whole athlete-turned-talk-show-host bombed for Magic Johnson and John McEnroe worse than, well, The Magic Hour and McEnroe, just listen to these ideas and tell me you wouldn’t watch.      

Ozzie Guillen Ahora: The temperamental, explosive manager of the White Sox asks guests the tough questions and he wants answers, “ahora!” Guillen blows up on everyone from players to other coaches to members of the media so imagine the fireworks with Ozzie and a question-dodging guest.

Ozzie Guillen: So, Bill, tell me about these improper business dealings in New Mexico.
Bill Richardson: I can’t comment on that at this particular time.
Ozzie Guillen: Can’t [beeping] comment? You withdrew your nomination as Commerce Secretary over this bull[beep], you better [beeping] comment.
Bill Richardson: I really can’t—
Ozzie Guillen: Answer me! Ahora!

Ozzie’s house band: Ruben Blades. The easy-going Panamanian singer might be the only person able to keep Ozzie mellow enough to not murder a guest in the first week.  

Bad Decisions with Carmelo Anthony: The oft-fined/suspended Nuggets forward swaps tales of poor choices and lapses in judgment with celebrity guests. Melo seems to have trouble staying out of the headlines ever since making the “bad decision” to appear in the 2004 anti-police informant video, Stop Snitchin’. In fact, only today, the Nuggets suspended Anthony for one game following an “in-game transgression.” Who better to talk with movie stars and musicians about past blunders than ‘Lo?

Carmelo Anthony: You did what?
Joaquin Phoenix: I quit acting to pursue a career in rap music.
Carmelo Anthony: Is that a joke?
Joaquin Phoenix: Maybe…
Carmelo Anthony: Either way, that’s a bad decision. In fact, it kind of reminds me of the time I got pulled over in Denver for driving under the influence…

Carmelo’s house band: Ziggy Marley. He can play a cover of the Bob Marley and the Wailers classic song, “I Made a Mistake.”

The Alex Rodriguez No Comment Zone: The Yankee third baseman and guy-who-played-for-the-USA-in-the-last-World-Baseball-Classic-but-now-plays-for-the-Dominican-Republic brings on controversial guests and allows them to say “no comment” to tough questions. Hey, that’s been A-Rod’s approach since his second public “apology.”

Alex Rodriguez: So, Bill, tell me about those improper business dealings in New Mexico.
Bill Richardson: No comment.
Alex Rodriguez: Cool.
Bill Richardson: Really?
Alex Rodriguez: Yeah, it's all good. I feel the same way about a lot of stuff right now.
Bill Richardson: Wow, I like this show so much more than Ozzie Guillen's Ahora.

Alex’s house band: No Doubt. The reunited So-Cal band could play a variety of hits, including the show’s theme song, “Don’t Speak.”