Walter Mercado Celebrity Predictions

If Walter Mercado doesn’t play a big part in your New Year’s Eve traditions then you need to check your barrio pass at the door. The Puerto Rican psychic/horoscope queen *ahem* king always delivers predictions for the coming 365 days and special baños for each zodiac sign. I recently had the chance to speak with Wally about some of our favorite chart toppers. He dishes his predictions and some custom baths. He then attempted to cover me with his cape and offer me mucho, mucho amor. Fortunately, I escaped.

Marc Anthony (Virgo b. Sept. 16): “¡Ohh nene! ¡Que año! I definitely see a big chunk of butt leaving your life in February. But don’t get down it’s all for the better. With your new found freedom you’ll be able to reconcile with old flames and even drop the alien-type body for a more robust human one. For your bath mix a DVD of El Cantante, coconut juice and a shot of Diddy’s Ciroc. Buena suerte!”

Mariah Carey (Aries b. March 27): “Her aura is confusing. First she likes old pruney men (Tommy Mottola) then she jumps on fresh meat (Nick Cannon). Next year she’ll have a tough time adjusting to her partner’s lifestyle of creating corny TV shows. Alas, she does find solace in watching films like Underclassman and Glitter. For her last bath of 2009 she needs to whip up a batch of Luscious Pink perfume and the tears of Thalia’s baby.”

Cristian Castro (Sagittarius Dec. 8): “You’ve been a bad boy this year. 2009 is when you’re going to redeem yourself from being a woman-beating d-bag. Sort of because can anyone really come back from hitting a mujer? Even I’m not that delusional. Unfortunately, there isn’t a bath in my book of tricks to cleanse you of your innate scumbag-ness.”

Nelly Furtado (Sagittarius Dec. 2): “This year I want you to scream it to the world, “I am a Canadian/Portuguese woman who has exploited Latin music for my benefit!” Hey, if Eminen can admit he makes “black music to make himself wealthy” then why can’t you declare that brown is the new green. Take a bath of truth this New Year’s Eve and start singing “O’ Canada” with pride.”

Fat Joe (Leo b. Aug. 19): “After a year of picking on weaker people (Daddy Yankee) than you, it’s time to calm down and take the chicken wing out your mouth. Yes, Jose this is the year when you finally lose your baby fat and the public stops seeing your crack. In order to receive the new skinny Joe take a bath full of Crystal Light and diet pills. Light a candle to the goddess of weight loss Oprah…God knows she needs the help too.”

Disclaimer: Walter Mercado’s cape was interviewed for this blog post not Walter Mercado.