Dear Siren: Love Him, Not Our Future

Dear Sexy Siren,

I really love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, but we’re starting to realize that we don’t have the same long-term goals. We both want to get married in the next couple of years, but he wants to have a few kids and live in suburbia…I on the other hand, only want to have two kids at the most and live in a big city. I’m a working woman and probably won’t stop to have children. Is that wrong of me? He keeps saying that I’ll change my mind once I start having kids, but I’m not so sure of that. At the same time, I don’t want to lose my man. Can’t we just love each other and make it work out in the end?

Sincerely,
Loving him, but not our future

Dear Loving him,

Ouch! This is a really tough issue—you love each other, but you have different dreams. I think this is a really common issue and probably one that many couples overlook, so props to you for even thinking about it.

Here’s the thing, you aren’t going to change each other…and marriage definitely isn’t going to change what you want either. At the same time, I don’t think you should consider breaking up just yet. Your best option is to talk about it. Actually schedule a time to have this conversation. Tell him you want to sit down and be really honest with each other about what you want in the future and if you can make it align. They do say that marriage is all about compromise…if you want to be together, then maybe you’ll have to slightly tweak what you envisioned for the future so that you can make it fit together. Or if you feel like you just can’t change your plans, then there’s your answer.

I often see this happen with friends who get married. They both have ideas of how they want to live, raise a family, who works, etc…but they think,  once they get married it will all change: “He’ll change his mind about living in Chicago” or “She’ll decide she actually wants to stay home with the kids.” Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. You have to know what you’re both getting into and accept it, otherwise one, or both of you will be unhappy.

Also, another tip…I have feeling you’ll both be pretty emotional and worked up while having this conversation. In fact, you might even get defensive. So control the urge to want to break up and say, “it’s over!” Take the time to really listen to each other, respect each other’s ideas, and maybe even take a day or two to really think about how you can make it work, or not work, afterwards.