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Happy Birthday, Jessica Alba!POSTED April, 28 2009  Thirty-five years ago today, Penelope Cruz was born. And that's all I have to say about that. Why dwell on it when 28 years ago today, a little girl named Jessica Alba, who would grow up to shizz on and then embrace her Mexican heritage, stink up the box office and make sour faces, was born. In celebration of the birthday girl, I put together this humble list of presents. ¡Y muchos mas, Jessy! 1. Rosetta Stone Spanish Level 1: Jessica no hablar Español. Pear-o loews directowres mas cahlientays de Hollywood ser Latinos, como Guillermo Del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron, Alejandro Gonzalez Iñarritu, and J.A. Bayona. Si Jessy no poh-der impresioh-nahr cone sue actuacion, poh-der impresioh-nahr con su españole? 2. 10-Disc DVD Set of Acting Lessons: Yes, you look good onscreen, but let's face facts: You've had exactly one effectively acted movie scene, and that was in The Eye, when you're lying in a hospital bed, sedated. The older you get, the more you're going to have to rely on actual acting skills. Why not get a headstart? 3. Chavo del Ocho DVD Set: Oh the irony! The girl who once said that her Mexican relatives "spread their seeds" and "pop babies out" like popcorn is thinking of having another kid. But are you afraid that the more kids you have, the more your pesada genes will be diluted? Never fear! With these DVDs, featuring a pack of adults playing the most annoying rugrats ever put onscreen, your kids are guaranteed to turn out to be the biggest sangrones in Hollywood. After you, of course.
4. Gift Certificate for Dinner with George Lopez: Your dad once dissed George at an event, saying he "doesn't speak Mexican." Well, it's time you did, cabrona. Here's what I have in mind: You and George ride a tricked out lowrider Chevy around East L.A., stopping at every food truck you see to get lengua tacos and mulitas, chased by Jarritos de tamarindo. Bonus: You can pick up the finer points of giving little Honor Marie a Mexican style beating from the master himself.
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